living in dreams...

i fought valiantly but it was all in vain...

1 October
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I am in pain because I fell in love with a person who doesn't want to be with me. Or, maybe she wants to, but she can't. I don't know. Does it matter?

Beyond the tiniest distinctions in the chemistry of my ego, I don't think it really matters. It can't happen.
Which is to go to sleep with her by my side, and wake up in the morning with her still there next to me, maybe holding my hand. I want to look into her face, and feel her letting me look into her, and then, you know, I want to keep going on in. I want us to be able to go into each other, calmly, and quietly, without a lot of bullshit and built up hopes, and destroyed hopes. Destroyed homes. I want us to start a conversation that doesn't get interrupted. I want us both to be comfortable letting each other in, like a slowly rising body of water.
I want us to pour our liquids into the plastic pop bottle, and then shake it really hard and just hang on and see how it feels.
Just imagining it feels amazing.

And I am not going to get this with her.

That is pain.

So, I walk around in pain, or, I get to a point where I can't deal with feeling the pain, and then I walk around desensitized. I walk around by myself to figure out how to spend my time, feeling, or not feeling, pain.

A significant touch between two people.
Is it impossible?